MegaStyles™: The Week in Fashion (05.02.03)

You can spot the Fashion Extremist a mile away.  That’s the point.  She invites countless stares because her style has completely eclipsed her status as a human being. Clearly this is not just quirky fashion.  Through clothes, makeup, and personal hygiene (or lack thereof), she has transformed herself into a cartoon.  Mundane actions—buying milk, watching bad sitcoms—are now performance art.  Does she have a job?  Does she own a Gap T-shirt?  What does she wear for Christmas Mass?  We’ll never know.  But we do know that getting through the day can be a bit trickier for those living in costume. MegaStyles™ identifies everyday hazards for different Fashion Extremists:

The Goth: Wearing only black, save the occasional white accent from fake fang teeth, the Goth has a profound love of black velvet and all things medieval/Transylvanian.  Everyday hazards:

• The sun.  Not only does The Dark One prohibit sun exposure, but it also tends to make that carefully applied white greasepaint slide right off her face and clog her pores. 
• Escalators.  One false move and her brand new cape becomes one big noose.  She’ll be the laughing stalk of the coven.

The Diva: Everything about the Diva is platinum, from her highlights to her bracelets to her credit cards.  The Diva only wears labels that end in “I”, as in Fendi, Gucci, and Armani, but will make exceptions for Cartier.  She is either an oil baroness or a Donatella Versace impersonator.  Everyday hazards:

• Getting lost.  With her long acrylic nails, needle-thin stilettos, and skintight leather clothes, the Diva does not want to end up on the wrong side of town.  Nothing says “sitting duck” faster than a busted GPS and restrictive clothing.
• Eating.  She can sip her champagne through a straw, but nothing will ruin a 15-minute lip liner application faster than solid food.  Besides, food makes you fat.

The Punk: Back with a vengeance, like all things ‘80’s, the Punk can be identified by her topiary-inspired hair, creative black eye-liner, and the cloud of B.O. that lingers in her wake.  She loves anything sharp, especially if it’s rusted and she can wear it through her nose.  Everyday hazards:

• Rain.  Nothing looks sadder than a wilted Mohawk.
• Crowded elevators.  Between the sharply pointed hair, chain necklaces, and metal rods poking through her face, she’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Anime Chick: Anime Chick is a Japanese schoolgirl or just wants to look like one.  A neon nomad, she is more colorful than a box of crayons and wears her entire closet at once.  Even in the middle of July, Anime Chick thinks nothing of wearing three skirts, bloomers, fuzzy legwarmers, and striped tights, as long as they are all sorbet colored.  Everyday hazards:

• Jaywalking. You try beating traffic while running in hot pink shag boots.
• Third world countries.  She wears strawberry perfume.  She dresses in puffy, marshmallow-y clothing.  She looks edible.

Little Gems: Shoe fanatics, I have good news and bad news.  The good news: you can order online from fantastic London High Street shop, Office (www.office.co.uk).  The bad news: you will pay about $30 in shipping costs.  But, as FDR once said, beauty is pain, especially in the wallet.  More good news to soften the blow: www.flipfloptrunkshow.com. Sequined/beaded/appliquéd thong sandals for under $40.  Go!

MegaStyles™ muses:  Is it better to be a perpetual bargain hunter and have lots and lots of cheap clothes, or to blow all your money on a couple really nice pieces?  Share your style at musings@megastyles.com .

 “The right clothes have a little bit of voodoo in them.”

                                                                        - Michael Kors