MegaStyles

Luggage Lamentations
After scientists have figured out cancer and getting to Mars, the next thing they should work on is a luggage location device. Nothing fancy, just a little Palm Pilot thing on the back of every airplane seat, right next to the phone. Simply enter an ID number and a reassuring YES flashes back at you. As in, YES your luggage has been located. YES it’s on this very plane. YES it will be delivered safely to you shortly after landing at such-and-such baggage carousel. That would make people like me very happy and some scientists very rich.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I have luggage separation anxiety. I suspect it’s fairly common among people who like their clothes. I have never lost my luggage but almost certainly will, Fate being cruel, and it will happen after a trip to Paris. But what can you do?

Actually, you can do a lot. Prevention starts with luggage choice. This is one time when unstylish is the way to go. Unstylish and ugly. And dirty. The less people that touch your bag the better. Every time I am tempted to check nice luggage I am reminded of the tragedy that befell Ms. Posh Spice, who checked $14,000 of clothes in her Vuitton steamer trunks, only to have her clothing make a surprise appearance at an airport employee’s summer wedding. Expensive luggage: resist the urge.

Packing technique is the second stage of prevention. Sort your clothes into two piles: stuff you would hate to lose, and stuff you would re-enter a burning building for. Put the first pile in the checked baggage and the second in the carry-on. I don’t care how tight a fit it is. Roll it, fold it, smush it, but just get it in the carry-on. This might mean you end up with a checked bag full of laundry and exercise clothes, and a carry-on the size of a pack mule. You might dislodge your elbow on the way to the gate, but you’ll thank me later.

The third step is playing alpha dog at the check-in desk. Don’t think you can rest until you let the baggage agent know who’s boss. Step squarely up to the counter and stare at the agent until she flinches. At this signal, exercise your rights as an American customer and start asking the tough questions: what happens after the X-ray machine? Who will be loading my bags onto the plane? How do I know you’re not lying? Try to get specific names and write them down in front of her. It’s also good to frequently repeat her answers, so she knows you are an informed traveler. Don’t forget to write this down too.

Finally, if you really want to take control of the situation, you can call the airline itself. You will need a good phone plan and an affinity for soft jazz, as you’ll spend at least two hours on hold. But if you score just five minutes cross-examining the lost and found agent using words like “liability,” “customer satisfaction,” and “employee accountability,” I guarantee you’ll sleep easier that night. As in all things, the key to success is being proactive. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some packing to do. And some NASA people to call.

Little Gems: Your new laptop. It’s a beautiful beautiful sight. So why is its case so uuuugly? Toss that big boxy black thing and go to www.casauri.com or www.ebags.com for some better options.

MegaStyles™ Musings: It’s all downhill from here. The Olsen twins are on the cover of Vanity Fair. Next stop: Allure? Vogue? A Nobel Prize? Who will stop these children???

"This job is a total ego thing in a way. To be a designer and say, 'This is the way people should dress, this is the way the world should be.' But then, that's the goal: world domination through style.”