Just When You Thought Everything About Oscar Fashion Had Been Said...
MegaStyles and Cinecultist watched Joan, Melissa, and Leon dish. Then we dished some more.
Cinecultist: boy, I forgot how much Joan's voice makes my skin crawl and this music may give me seizures. I love it already!
Megastyles: there's a little Joan in everyone. She's like the Mommy Dearest I never had. She actually looks ok, if she doesn't turn to the side.
CC: What is up with her Botox? That is some serious face frozen action there..
MS: She needs the Botox to keep her cheek implants from moving. What's Thanksgiving like at that house? Does Leon come over?.
CC: A nightmare I'm sure.
MS: Does Joan slap Melissa if she reaches for pie? Oh Charlize.
CC: Can no one pronounce her name?
MS: Rivals Angelina as "most beautiful woman in the world."
CC: She does look great. Everybody hates Uma's dress.
MS: Some stylist hates Uma.
CC: How could that have seemed like a good idea?
MS: Maybe she was thinking, like, couture artsy? Might have worked with much less clothing.
CC: Diane Keaton there's no need to still dress in men's wear. It was your signature in the '70s. Move on baby.
MS: People don't get it so now they have to accept it. Still sick of it. Nicole *yawn* Holly Hunter! J'adore!
CC: Lovely. Sexy. Meow. How do you feel about Zac Posen, in three words or less?
MS: Ok, Kelly Lynch (who wore one of his designs) insisted on saying "po-Zen" at the awards. Three words? Ov-er-rated. You?
CC: Fair 'nough. Infant terrible, over it.
MS: Zac Posen is for elves and wood fairies.
CC: Angelina was my favorite look. She's scary and hot.
MS: I love her in anything. Did you know her designer did that horrible Toni Braxton toilet-paper dress?
CC: So the big question is, do any of these looks seem familiar to you from the runways? That's been the big pre-Oscar news, how the change in the ceremony messed up everyone's schedules.
MS: no, nothing looks familiar really. All the big girls, Charlize, Nicole, etc. I'm sure had their dresses custom made. The big thing was there was supposed to be so much color, but the end result was really muted, neutral tones… Joan really is so much better than the actual Oscars.
CC: I was surprised how everyone seemed to be in white or beige.
MS: yes -- I was expecting more blues, aquas, and yellows. Ack! I can't stand Jennifer Garner. None of the dresses work because she's...a man!
CC: I like when she's kicking ass on Alias, but her body is sort of strange.
MS: I think it's great she's so athletic, but she usually wears such floaty waify dresses that don't go with her body. This one actually did. She looked better than usual.
CC: Do we care about men in their suits?
MS: No.
CC: Good, what a relief. That look on Marcia [Gay Harden] freaked me out. Bad hair nightmares for weeks.
MS: I know, but what can you do? She's got contractions on the brain, not couture. She gets a free pass.
CC: Sigh. I guess so. She just looked so beautiful when she won for Pollack.
MS: She really did. She's beautiful in a very handsome way. Oh blah, Sofia Coppola.
CC: Of course Sofia wore Marc (Jacobs). Did we expect any thing else? Sofia's still my girl though.
MS: Really? What's the appeal? Part of me thinks I don't like because I'm secretly envious of all the free Marc she gets.
CC: I don't know. The expectations as a kid were so low (scary robot performance in Peggy Sue Got Married, the Godfather II debacle, etc.) but as she grew up, she blossomed. She always looks quirky-smart-interesting.
MS: Overall, how were the Oscars, fashion-aside? From a cinematic point of view.
CC: Predictable. There were no big surprises from the nominations to the awards. I like it when there's something shocking and unexpected and then we get to see some actor or filmmakers give some exuberant acceptance.
MS: Monique Lhullier is the new red carpet designer to watch.
CC: Jamie Lee is growing old very gracefully.
MS: Diane Lane is doing it better though...
CC: Diane Lane is always amazing looking.
MS: Women of all ages would kill to look like that. I have to say; the nice thing about Joan is that she never mocks what people say on the red carpet, only what they wear. Like, if you spit while you talked or something, she wouldn't make fun of you. As long as you looked hot.
CC: It's the only place where Joan holds back. She knows she can't really throw stones when it comes to wit. So whose look was all the buzz at your office?
MS: Everyone loved Nicole, but I really thought Charlize was the standout. There’s no comparison, right? And, it turns out I am the only person in America who likes Renee pre-Bridget Jones.
CC: Charlize used to be a model. She knows how to work it. Oh no, you liked her as the skeleton woman? Talk about giving me nightmares. Renee looks great right now. I wish she would stay just like this. Love it girlfriend. Love your chipmunk cheeks!
MS: What can I say? Renee works the ano-chic look. But she's no Lara Flynn-Boyle. Thank god. Julia Roberts: so great looking.
CC: So great. Scarlett is doing that Mena Suvari, "look ma I’ve won critical accolades now I must dress like I'm 35 years old!" thing.
MS: I don't get Scarlett Johansson. Can you explain her to me?
CC: She's a child. She's a woman. She wears pink panties. Guys like that kind of thing.
MS: I always wonder how they choose the special guest on these shows. Like, where's "The Fashion Guy?"
CC: Who is that exactly?
MS: He's this fashion guru but nobody really knows what he's done. He's like a VH1 talking head that goes by "The Fashion Guy."
CC: Like he's self nominated? I am a guy. I know fashion. Deal with it.
MS: Yes.
CC: That's awesome! He is his own pr machine.
MS: I know, and look how far it got him. He's a regular Joan guest.
CC: All the way to E!
MS: We should all be so lucky. [Enter Judge Henry Roth from Style Court] Oh please, who is this joker. Style Court is the worst show on TV.
CC: He's the style judge. He has a degree in style.
MS: A legal degree. Leon is right about Liv: the hair was a killer.
CC: Liv Tyler's hair was like a bad joke from Edward Scissorhands.
MS: Hey, this is kind of like the Oscars fashion Queer Eye. I feel like Thom and Carson are going to burst into my apartment.
CC: This is like QVC. Can I purchase all of this jewelry Joan and Melissa are showing us at a convenient 800 number?
MS: Yes you actually can. Joan is QVC all the way.
CC: She's shameless. And that's why you got to love her. [Joan and Melissa discuss their accessories that they wore on the night before] That's the thing I find the most odd about fashion mag coverage of the Oscars. As though you could capture the look of the celebs on the red carpet with your knock off accessories and the right up swept do. They employ people to dress them. If I employed people to dress me, I would look like a million bucks too.
MS: Half of it is just lighting and good makeup.
CC: Unless I employed Uma's stylist. Is that person fired for that look, do you think?
MS: He's very unemployed today. Fired and skewered with stilettos by the fashion mob. Not pretty.
CC: Someone gave Johnny Depp a haircut, that person deserves an award. Much better than his usual crazy guy look.
MS: *applause* Melissa’s outfit confuses me. She's all black tie from the waist up, denim from the waist down. But like, Sunday afternoon denim, not Friday night denim.
CC: She's mixing it up. She's being all downtown. She's wearing a ring that she made Vera Wang take off on the runway and give to her on the spot. She's that annoying girl from junior high who always borrowed your hairbrush during gym class and you had to disinfect it afterwards. Would she have a career if her Mom weren’t such a catty bitch? Is Joan really even a comedian any more?
MS: She'd never make it anywhere but the red carpet, but then again, where else does she want to be?
CC: Nowhere, which makes me want to cry.
MS: Oh, best and worst dressed! Charlize: too orange? I didn't mind the tan.
CC: She all around a little much for me. I keep catching her on TV in terrible, terrible movies and I hate her a little bit more every time. Sweet November. Devil's Advocate. *Shudder*
MS: Question: what did people say to Uma's face when they saw her? What could you say? "Look at youuuuu."? Ok Cinecultist, let's have a star rating for Joan and Melissa, scale of 1 to 5.
CC: They crack me up, even as I know they are the Horsemen for the Apocalypse. Five stars. Stupid, good fun.
MS: Agreed. 5 stars.
CC: Megastyles, fashion and movies -- why do they go together like peanut butter and chocolate?
MS: Because when you put them together, you forget about everything else. It’s the ultimate distraction. Do I know what's going on in Haiti right now?
CC: Something about Aristide. And Colin Powell. And troops. But I do know that Hollywood glamour is back in a big way!
MS: Glitter! Sparkle! Glamour! It's back. Again.
Meghan
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